I want to talk to you about a concept that’s been sitting in my brain for some time now. It’s about the process of understanding, and it’s also about evolution, and it’s also about growth.

Before you decide to understand something (or maybe you never really “decide”; maybe it just comes, full-force, without invitation), things are probably pretty well-off. They say ignorance is bliss, and where true ignorance is concerned, this is certainly the case. But what happens when you encounter the first glimpse of doubt? Maybe you try to ignore it, but you can’t, and then it becomes stronger. And then you realize you don’t understand life as you thought you did, and when that happens, you begin a journey.

The thing with journeys is they have beginnings and ends. Sometimes the end of a journey is the beginning of another one, but you don’t begin a journey with that in mind. You look to the end. You look to regaining the status quo. The same happiness, the same fulfillment. The process of understanding is full of frustration and uncertainty, but you always look to the end, because the end is always (in some way) the same as the beginning.

Imagine you’re climbing a hill. You may not realize it while you’re climbing it, but you’ll realize it sometime before you get to the other side, surely. You’ll realize it because it’s not the same as walking on level ground. It’s not easy. It’s not calm. But you have to know there’s another side to it. That you’ll get back to level ground eventually.

What am I saying? I’m saying: There is symmetry in things, in time. I’m saying: We search for the things we’ve had before. I’m saying: The end and beginning share something that the middle does not.

When you understand something fully, totally, you don’t struggle with it, it doesn’t bring you pain. What, then, should we do about this thing called Life into which we’ve been pushed, unwillingly? We have doubts, all of us. We’re all on a journey, many journeys in fact, all at once. What do we do? WE LOOK TO THE END.

They say that everyone, in a sense, wants to go back to his or her childhood. The end is like the beginning. It’s interesting, thinking about the old dying in hospitals while the young are born in them. But, while the end and the beginning are similar, the end is not the same as the beginning. We all hope, by the end of our lives, we understand Life enough to be at peace with it. In a way we didn’t as a child. Understanding replaces ignorance. And peace becomes peace.

I want to expand the scope of this metaphor a little bit. I want to expand it to include not just a single individual, not just me, but us. All of us. You can’t remember, but before industry, before organized religion, before farming, we were a certain way with the world. We existed without most of the things we rely on today, we continue, we survived, so we must have been, somewhat, at least a little bit, at peace with the way things were. Maybe we don’t even have to go back that far — perhaps it’s sufficient to say we were at peace before the Industrial Revolution. All I know is that, from the early 20th century at the latest, things began to change. We began a journey. We climbed a hill.

The question is: How will the end be like the beginning? I think, personally, that a full understanding of all that is will bring us the same peace as a complete ignorance of it. The awe of wonder becomes the beauty of understanding. New things and old things are beautiful in different ways. Things we don’t understand, things we do.

I don’t know. Just rambling, as usual.

I think we make things too easy for ourselves.

I think there is something inherently unnatural about all these straight lines, straight edges.

I think we need to be wary of menial tasks. Plugging numbers into equations. Straight lines, straight edges.

Where in nature do you see a perfect 3-4-5 right triangle?

But this is not as much a statement about math as it is about us. Who are we, really? What really matters? At times, it seems an easy answer; you may rattle off things such as “happiness”. But that’s because you are happy, at that moment.

When you’re not happy, what place does happiness have? When you look at the world objectively, what slot does it hold? Is it really our goal? Our ultimate effort? The culmination of centuries of discovery, innovation, creativity?

Happiness?

When am I happy?
1. When I express new emotion, through music, through color.
2. When I express some truth about the world in a way I’ve never heard it before.
3. When I gain in understanding about the universe.
4. When I feel completely safe.

Does math contribute to (3)? When we learn more about math, do we learn more about our universe or do we simply learn more about the system we’ve created to mimic the universe? Isn’t math just a man-made construction? Like a skyscraper, or a piece or machinery?

Doesn’t it seem… inherently unnatural?

I need to create. Something. But I want it to be something grander than a symphony. I want it to be grander than a painting, grander than a film.

I want it to fix our problems; not a work of art, but a work of truth. I think math can offer me truth, understanding it, realizing it. I want to be able to piece things together and make us all whole.

I don’t “enjoy” math. I don’t “enjoy” problem-solving in the mathematical sense. I understand the constructs, I understand it as a tool. What I’m looking for is not some cool number sequence, or how to use calculus in fun new ways, or to maximize the output of some commercial industry. I’m looking for the truth behind it all, the reality in some strange sort of abstract dimension of math. What makes us real? What makes it possible? What is life?

My life goal? I don’t know… but it’s after midnight and I’m tired as fuck. I just… don’t know what else to do with myself than this.