I do hate that it seems that all gay guys care about is sex. I know people say this all the time, but truthfully it’s not even just gay guys… it’s everyone, regardless of sexual preference. And I don’t mean just sex (although that’s often the case), but money, video games, drugs, music, chocolate, everything too easy to get and too pleasurable to be unimportant. Do people even know what they live for in life? Are people even aware of their own long-term goals, their desires? No – nobody knows and most people don’t even think about it on a daily basis. And yet we continually go about pretending we’re all cool because we’re rich, or we’re good-looking, or we have more friends or more video games or more… sex. Well guess what? We’re NOT. Because nobody really understands what the fuck we’re doing here and why.

You know what else pisses me off? I mean, life is a pain to begin with, but seriously — how often have your felt completely alone? Doesn’t it seem strange how little we know about each other? Now I don’t mean what we like to eat, our favorite foods, our favorite music, etc. I mean, what it’s like to live as they do. That brings up another question; in that case, how much do we really know about ourselves? How can we possibly compare ourselves to other people without ever being in their shoes, in their bodies, in their shells? I used to think there was a “right” way and a “wrong” way to live, borne by countless of years of tradition, perfected into an unwritten manual that was continually passed down to you by your elders. That’s bullshit. Because nobody knows how they’re living in respect to how others live, at the fundamental level. Everyone just does what they can to get by.

And I hate feeling trapped in this way, you know? Even when we’re politically “free”, we’re still always trapped in the limitations of our own physical and mental selves. It’s never “we” truly, it’s never “everyone”, it’s never even “you” or “he” or “her” because what do I know about a you? Only what my brain processes through my eyes and my ears and my nose. There’s such a barrier between ourselves and everyone else, and everything else. How do we stand it sometimes? How do we go on?

I think it’s strange that the universe is expanding when it seems we need to go exactly the opposite way. I would hope that we might one day be able to pull it back together (folding bedsheets), but it seems that really we might just be on the downhill side of the life of the universe. Are we witnessing the death of everything?

Then again, isn’t the beginning of life also the beginning of death?

Or maybe there’s more to it than the security of togetherness. Is it the glory of independence? (What does that even mean, independence?)

Whenever I have a long-term vision of what I want to be, it’s always something strong and independent. Without external ties, without external needs. Last year I got a vision of a dragon, red and orange, soaring through the stars. Fierce and strong and, invincible really, not because of the high-tech defense mechanisms but because of the sheer strength of will. The sense of purpose and direction. That purpose and direction was somehow strengthening. Was that how I envisioned my future?

A few years earlier in a fever-dream (I had the flu at the time) I envisioned what eventually became Kaos, bearer of the weight of the world’s hostilities, who became the hero in my novel In the Shadow of the World. It’s strange, to gain in life we always must first bear burdens — does that mean our gain is proportional to the burdens we bear? To be the most happy must I also be the most miserable?

I guess what it really comes down to is this: I want to live for something meaningful. Meaning does not equal sex, it does not equal video games, it does not equal money. And that, as strange as it sounds, severely limits my options. Because in this world, those are some of the easiest things to find happiness in. But then again, perhaps meaningfulness does not equal happiness either.

I’ve expressed the view to some of you that I want to go into artificial intelligence research. What if… instead of promoting machines that helped us externally, in society and in industry and in our households, we enhanced our own processes? What if we could all link together mentally? Wireless internet capabilities? Wouldn’t that be a step in the direction of togetherness? If all of our thoughts were linked together, wouldn’t we then be a cohesive human race? No more barriers? No more shells?

What if we could also enhance our own mental power, our own physical strength, through the use of add-on’s and plug-in’s. (Like Firefox!) Wouldn’t that be a step in the direction of independence? In the direction of strength through more than weight-lifting and intelligence through more than poring over manuscripts?

Why is everything always a trade?

Meh, just a random rant on a random Thursday night. Now I need to sleep.