I want to do math. But I feel like by brain isn’t letting me.

I’ve always been a somewhat quiet person: The reason I’m quiet is because sound drowns out the music in my head. And when I don’t have music in my head, sound distracts me from what I see, feel, hear, smell. I’m observant, and my brain functionings have always taken precedence over life. Anyway, the point is that I get music stuck in my head often enough that it interferes with the way my brain works.

I know I can handle math. I know I have the ability to enjoy math in the same way as I enjoy music (see it, feel it, think it internally). But doing so would require me to not ever get music stuck in my head, because then I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on math.

The question isn’t really “What do I plan on using these four college years for?” The question is “Am I willing to give up on music for the next four years to devote my brain wholeheartedly for math?” And I think I am, logically, consciously. But I can’t bear to kill the music in my head, because it seems that would be like sucking the life out of an animal. Immediately killing the music in my head would be destroying something beautiful.

I think I have to un-music myself slowly. Also, I don’t think I should take classes at VanderCook next year. It breaks my heart to do it, but I think my brain would be more organized, more focused, and I would have a better conception of the world in the long run. By not thinking about music for the next four years. By choosing math over music.

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More stuff, was thinking about in the shower.

I’m imagining a path… music, that I’ve been walking on all along, and then branching out from that path is math, but I would have to start from the beginning, but I know it wouldn’t take long to catch up. The problem isn’t the catching up as much as it is losing all that I’ve gained in music.

However, consciously I know I wouldn’t lose it. It would always be there, hidden. But still, it’s like a kid losing his addictive video games. I don’t want to let it go.

Also, I just realized… it’s only those who work really really hard who become great musicians; musical geniuses almost never do (not that I am one, but I’m more a musical genius than anything that involves the work “hard-working”).

I’m just thinking kind of… what would be the best use of my brain? Best-case scenario? Even if I were to go into composing, the greatest composers of all time have only accomplished so much. Bach may have changed the way we thought about the world, but how much did he change the world itself?

On that note, though, I’m not, never, ever going into physics. In balancing aestheticism/creativity with logic/usefulness, I will only go so far. I guess we’ll see if math’s abstraction is enough creative content to keep me interested.