I’m becoming less selfish lately. Wonderful, the things a group of awesome friends will do to a person.

Still self-interested, but I’m realizing the value of having awesome people in my life. And that maintaining those kinds of relationships requires some effort on my part. That friendship (or even family, or even love) is a reciprocal process, and that you must learn to give in order to receive.

I’ve also become less motivated to find a job. It seems like the only people hiring are looking for Eager people, Passionate people. People who really want it. How can I be passionate about sorting files for the government? How can I be passionate about data entry for eight hours a day? How can I be passionate about retail (even those jobs are exceedingly rare)?

So I’ve changed my game plan. Back to basics. What. Do. I. Want.

Well, we can look at this historically. Any bimbo can search through recent posts and figure that out; my end goals haven’t changed. I want to create. I want to make things that are beautiful. I want to perfect them. I thought I could do this through programming, but it’s difficult: I don’t know enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not strong enough to learn enough to truly be free using programming as my weapon of choice. Perhaps, in the future, that will change.

But there are other ways to create. Sophomore year of high school, I began a sci-fi novel. I’ve since lost the most recent drafts in a freak external HD incident, but I could start back at the beginning. Create something new. I’ve always had ideas, I’ve always wanted to share them.

I could draw, paint. Create digitally the images that have been engrained in my mind for years (Kaos, the black-winged angel; a fire dragon blazing through empty space; Avedra the future-city in a purple desert sunset, the architecture perfect and clean). I want to create these because I believe these. Each of these images means something to me (inner strength; independence and passion; the ideal, the goal).

How to Make Money? I don’t know, I really don’t. I signed up for Google AdSense, so perhaps people will click on ads here once I get that set up. I should redesign this site. Or create a new one.

Things are different now. The past six months have moved faster than any other time in my life. More has been gained, more has been lost. But I feel like this is how life should be. An adventure, in which I take the risks I was always afraid to as a child. In which I live more fully, breathe deeper, laugh louder. I can do that all where I am.

Living does not require sacrifice!

I envision a future in which man is judged by his peers and by society solely on his creation – on his music, on his art, on his invention. Where every human life is valued because every human life is the potential for creation. And where people understand the following: Respecting every individual’s ability to create is respecting society as a whole, for stability comes from diversity, and diversity comes from freedom.

There are those who say if everyone received everything they ever needed, then nobody would ever work. That may be true. I also, however,  believe that we need to create. It’s in our blood, it’s in our spirits. It’s human. I believe that if everyone received food and clothing and shelter, we wouldn’t actually cease to make progress — in fact, I believe we would make more progress. You may ask, what incentive is there? Why would anyone waste time creating? The answer is quite simple. It’s not respect from colleagues. It’s not the survival of the human race, even. It’s individual. It’s selfish. It’s the sheer feeling of accomplishment. The very pride in our individual selves that defines us as separate and distinct from others. It’s that happiness in becoming something tangible, something real and solid and definite, that one feeling that no amount of money could ever buy.

You don’t get that feeling? Well I do. But only when I separate myself from the expectations of others. Only when I separate myself from the constant pressure of retaining the ability to survive. But when those needs are met, when I feel completely safe — from financial collapse, from judgment — that’s when I look ahead. That’s when I strive forward. And I believe that every single human being in this world was born with that capacity. The desire to look forward, to create, to be.

Can every man be an artist? Perhaps not now, but I envision a future in which he can. In which manual labor can be done with our inventions alone and our minds are free to wander and wonder. To search the great vastness of this universe, but first, to understand our planet and ourselves. Every man was born an artist. And every man is capable of so much creative ambition, if only he didn’t have to worry about the little things. Those little things that are necessary for our survival, but by no means sufficient for our happiness. Once we can look past the little things, only then will we be able to truly come together and free our minds from the constraints of our bodies. Only then will the sheer brilliance of our ideas, in all their radiant, sparkling color, explode us into the darkness of the unknown. And the starlight emanated from each of us individually, together, will reach the deepest corners of our universe. The beginning, the end, and the spaces in between the lines. Truth will kneel before us, unreservedly, and offer us Perfection. And we will, without hesitation, accept.

I think we make things too easy for ourselves.

I think there is something inherently unnatural about all these straight lines, straight edges.

I think we need to be wary of menial tasks. Plugging numbers into equations. Straight lines, straight edges.

Where in nature do you see a perfect 3-4-5 right triangle?

But this is not as much a statement about math as it is about us. Who are we, really? What really matters? At times, it seems an easy answer; you may rattle off things such as “happiness”. But that’s because you are happy, at that moment.

When you’re not happy, what place does happiness have? When you look at the world objectively, what slot does it hold? Is it really our goal? Our ultimate effort? The culmination of centuries of discovery, innovation, creativity?

Happiness?

When am I happy?
1. When I express new emotion, through music, through color.
2. When I express some truth about the world in a way I’ve never heard it before.
3. When I gain in understanding about the universe.
4. When I feel completely safe.

Does math contribute to (3)? When we learn more about math, do we learn more about our universe or do we simply learn more about the system we’ve created to mimic the universe? Isn’t math just a man-made construction? Like a skyscraper, or a piece or machinery?

Doesn’t it seem… inherently unnatural?

I need to create. Something. But I want it to be something grander than a symphony. I want it to be grander than a painting, grander than a film.

I want it to fix our problems; not a work of art, but a work of truth. I think math can offer me truth, understanding it, realizing it. I want to be able to piece things together and make us all whole.

I don’t “enjoy” math. I don’t “enjoy” problem-solving in the mathematical sense. I understand the constructs, I understand it as a tool. What I’m looking for is not some cool number sequence, or how to use calculus in fun new ways, or to maximize the output of some commercial industry. I’m looking for the truth behind it all, the reality in some strange sort of abstract dimension of math. What makes us real? What makes it possible? What is life?

My life goal? I don’t know… but it’s after midnight and I’m tired as fuck. I just… don’t know what else to do with myself than this.