How grand it is to last alone in the dark shallows and cry at nothing. To feel heaviness over an ounce, a penny. How exhilarating! Isn’t it invigorating, how our minds can deceive us, fill us? A creature of the human species can feel nothing over a cut or a scrape, over the active destruction of their own selves, or they can feel the whole world crumble beneath their feet at a dream, at a song, at a painting. They can cry themselves to sleep over a digital recording of the sounds emanating from the vocal cords of another of their species. Or even over silence! But, as we know, silence is never really silence. Silence is the weight of being, the sheer heaviness of existing. Silence is a thought, a swirl. Silence is vertigo. And how beautiful that it is. Because, well, what if it weren’t? What if silence were just emptiness? There is nothing worse than the vacuum of space for those who choose to live.

The advantage of organicity is the fullness of our complexity. There are no holes in our program, as there might be in an android, or a robot. Humans have developed incredible efficiency at existing, for the structure of their biology. They are capable of thinking without thinking. Of understanding without knowing. Formed by a constant forward push to survive, to progress, their cognitive cogs turn, even in their sleep, even in their dreams.

The worst thing for the living to do is to kill part of themselves. But it happens, all the time–and you know it, too. You see people push down their own ambitions, their own visions of happiness, their own creativity, so that they can fulfill the definition of success in the eyes of their family, friends, even strangers! People choose, actively, to live passively. And it’s no wonder they do; life is hard, life is a struggle! It’s so easy to submit to a standard of a lesser species, to live less than fully, as long as it’s a comfortable emptiness. This I say to you: don’t do this! All the time, you see religious people substitute the glory and the beauty of nature with fantasy and mysticism, defying their own rational capacities. You see others who ridicule intellect as if the purpose of the human species were to reverse evolution and return to the primordial ooze. But you know, as I do, we are better than this!

Optimism is not a fool’s errand, it is the way we go on living. And to those who find optimism difficult, I say this: look around you! We are the most advanced species of our knowledge in this universe, and we are surrounded by nothing but beauty. Listen to a symphony! Look at how the colors in the sky change at dawn, at the sun as it rises over the horizon! Walk through a field of lilies, and you will see; there is nothing to be afraid of, there is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you live as if nothing mattered but the fullness, the intensity, the passion of your own being. We are human, but firstly, we are alive.

Life is not an accumulation of things; it’s a release of things. It’s an explosion, a light, a fire.

We don’t hold on to the things we keep–we exist among them. We live for life and life alone. For the sheer, beautiful energy of it all.

That’s all I wanted to say.

I’m becoming less selfish lately. Wonderful, the things a group of awesome friends will do to a person.

Still self-interested, but I’m realizing the value of having awesome people in my life. And that maintaining those kinds of relationships requires some effort on my part. That friendship (or even family, or even love) is a reciprocal process, and that you must learn to give in order to receive.

I’ve also become less motivated to find a job. It seems like the only people hiring are looking for Eager people, Passionate people. People who really want it. How can I be passionate about sorting files for the government? How can I be passionate about data entry for eight hours a day? How can I be passionate about retail (even those jobs are exceedingly rare)?

So I’ve changed my game plan. Back to basics. What. Do. I. Want.

Well, we can look at this historically. Any bimbo can search through recent posts and figure that out; my end goals haven’t changed. I want to create. I want to make things that are beautiful. I want to perfect them. I thought I could do this through programming, but it’s difficult: I don’t know enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not strong enough to learn enough to truly be free using programming as my weapon of choice. Perhaps, in the future, that will change.

But there are other ways to create. Sophomore year of high school, I began a sci-fi novel. I’ve since lost the most recent drafts in a freak external HD incident, but I could start back at the beginning. Create something new. I’ve always had ideas, I’ve always wanted to share them.

I could draw, paint. Create digitally the images that have been engrained in my mind for years (Kaos, the black-winged angel; a fire dragon blazing through empty space; Avedra the future-city in a purple desert sunset, the architecture perfect and clean). I want to create these because I believe these. Each of these images means something to me (inner strength; independence and passion; the ideal, the goal).

How to Make Money? I don’t know, I really don’t. I signed up for Google AdSense, so perhaps people will click on ads here once I get that set up. I should redesign this site. Or create a new one.

Things are different now. The past six months have moved faster than any other time in my life. More has been gained, more has been lost. But I feel like this is how life should be. An adventure, in which I take the risks I was always afraid to as a child. In which I live more fully, breathe deeper, laugh louder. I can do that all where I am.

Living does not require sacrifice!