I’m becoming less selfish lately. Wonderful, the things a group of awesome friends will do to a person.

Still self-interested, but I’m realizing the value of having awesome people in my life. And that maintaining those kinds of relationships requires some effort on my part. That friendship (or even family, or even love) is a reciprocal process, and that you must learn to give in order to receive.

I’ve also become less motivated to find a job. It seems like the only people hiring are looking for Eager people, Passionate people. People who really want it. How can I be passionate about sorting files for the government? How can I be passionate about data entry for eight hours a day? How can I be passionate about retail (even those jobs are exceedingly rare)?

So I’ve changed my game plan. Back to basics. What. Do. I. Want.

Well, we can look at this historically. Any bimbo can search through recent posts and figure that out; my end goals haven’t changed. I want to create. I want to make things that are beautiful. I want to perfect them. I thought I could do this through programming, but it’s difficult: I don’t know enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not strong enough to learn enough to truly be free using programming as my weapon of choice. Perhaps, in the future, that will change.

But there are other ways to create. Sophomore year of high school, I began a sci-fi novel. I’ve since lost the most recent drafts in a freak external HD incident, but I could start back at the beginning. Create something new. I’ve always had ideas, I’ve always wanted to share them.

I could draw, paint. Create digitally the images that have been engrained in my mind for years (Kaos, the black-winged angel; a fire dragon blazing through empty space; Avedra the future-city in a purple desert sunset, the architecture perfect and clean). I want to create these because I believe these. Each of these images means something to me (inner strength; independence and passion; the ideal, the goal).

How to Make Money? I don’t know, I really don’t. I signed up for Google AdSense, so perhaps people will click on ads here once I get that set up. I should redesign this site. Or create a new one.

Things are different now. The past six months have moved faster than any other time in my life. More has been gained, more has been lost. But I feel like this is how life should be. An adventure, in which I take the risks I was always afraid to as a child. In which I live more fully, breathe deeper, laugh louder. I can do that all where I am.

Living does not require sacrifice!

• Learn to notice when your thinking and speculating takes you out of the immediacy of your experience. Your mental capacities can be an extraordinary gift, but only can also be a trap when you use them to retreat from contact with yourself and others. Stay connected with your physicality.

• You tend to be extremely intense and so high-strung that you find it difficult to relax and unwind. Make an effort to learn to calm down in a healthy way, without drugs or alcohol. Exercising or using biofeedback techniques will help channel some of your tremendous nervous energy. Meditation, jogging, yoga, and dancing are especially helpful for your type.

• You see many possibilities but often do not know how to choose among them or judge which is more or less important. When you are caught in your fixation, a sense of perspective can be missing, and with it the ability to make accurate assessments. At such time, it can be helpful to get the advice of someone whose judgment you trust while you are gaining perspective on your situation. Doing this can also help you trust someone else, a difficulty for your type.

• Notice when you are getting intensely involved in projects that do not necessarily support your self-esteem, confidence, or life situation. It is possible to follow many different fascinating subjects, games, and pastimes, but they can become huge distractions from what you know really need to do. Decisive action will bring more confidence than learning more facts or acquiring more unrelated skills.

• Fives tend to find it difficult to trust people, to open up to them emotionally, or to make themselves accessible in various ways. Their awareness of potential problems in relationships may tend to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is important to remember that having conflicts with others is not unusual and that the healthy thing is to work them out rather than reject attachments with people by withdrawing into isolation. Having one or two intimate friends whom you trust enough to have conflicts with will enrich your life greatly.

(from The Enneagram Institute website)

I looked up my Body Mass Index today… supposedly I’m slightly underweight (somewhere between 17.5 and 19.0). Kind of ironic how I’m underweight physically but so overweight… emotionally. Anyway.

(From: WebMD)

Recommended Ways to Gain Weight

• Have meals with the right balance of proteins, carbohydrates, and the right kinds of fat (such as unsaturated and monounsaturated fats, olive oil, canola oil, pistachios, almonds and walnuts). Heinemann suggests the following ratio: 60%-70% carbohydrates, 10%-15% protein, and a small amount of fat.
• Eat foods higher in calories, vitamins, and minerals, as opposed to higher in fat or sugar.
• Pack more nutritious calories in each serving. For example, you may add grated cooked eggs to mashed potatoes, ground chicken to soups and gravies, cheese in casseroles, eggs, and soups, and nonfat dried milk in soups, shakes, milk, and mashed potatoes.
• If you get too full too fast, try having more high-calorie foods or slices of foods as opposed to consuming the whole thing (raisins versus grapes, granola and Grape Nuts versus corn flakes, mango slices versus the whole mango).
• Limit drinking beverages to a half-hour before and after a meal.
• Drink mixed juices (apple/berry, peach/orange/banana as opposed to one juice beverages) for a higher calorie intake.
• Try a small amount of alcohol (4 ounces of wine, 6 ounces of beer, or a half-ounce of liquor with juice) before a meal, as it could stimulate appetite. Moore warns, however, that this recommendation must be cleared with your doctor, especially if you are on any medication. Too much alcohol can be detrimental to health, and could lessen your resolve for eating healthy.
• With moderation, you may add in good fat sources to meals such as nuts, avocado, olives, and fatty fish (salmon and mackerel).
• Snack in between meals. Nuts, dried fruits, and yogurt are good options, but it’s also important to find nutritious foods that you will enjoy.
• Have a nutritious snack before bedtime, such as a peanut butter sandwich.

Max: Needs to eat more often. And needs to eat better food.