I think we make things too easy for ourselves.

I think there is something inherently unnatural about all these straight lines, straight edges.

I think we need to be wary of menial tasks. Plugging numbers into equations. Straight lines, straight edges.

Where in nature do you see a perfect 3-4-5 right triangle?

But this is not as much a statement about math as it is about us. Who are we, really? What really matters? At times, it seems an easy answer; you may rattle off things such as “happiness”. But that’s because you are happy, at that moment.

When you’re not happy, what place does happiness have? When you look at the world objectively, what slot does it hold? Is it really our goal? Our ultimate effort? The culmination of centuries of discovery, innovation, creativity?

Happiness?

When am I happy?
1. When I express new emotion, through music, through color.
2. When I express some truth about the world in a way I’ve never heard it before.
3. When I gain in understanding about the universe.
4. When I feel completely safe.

Does math contribute to (3)? When we learn more about math, do we learn more about our universe or do we simply learn more about the system we’ve created to mimic the universe? Isn’t math just a man-made construction? Like a skyscraper, or a piece or machinery?

Doesn’t it seem… inherently unnatural?

I need to create. Something. But I want it to be something grander than a symphony. I want it to be grander than a painting, grander than a film.

I want it to fix our problems; not a work of art, but a work of truth. I think math can offer me truth, understanding it, realizing it. I want to be able to piece things together and make us all whole.

I don’t “enjoy” math. I don’t “enjoy” problem-solving in the mathematical sense. I understand the constructs, I understand it as a tool. What I’m looking for is not some cool number sequence, or how to use calculus in fun new ways, or to maximize the output of some commercial industry. I’m looking for the truth behind it all, the reality in some strange sort of abstract dimension of math. What makes us real? What makes it possible? What is life?

My life goal? I don’t know… but it’s after midnight and I’m tired as fuck. I just… don’t know what else to do with myself than this.